A Million Little Pieces Of My Mind

That '60s Album

Don't Send It In

By: Paul S Cilwa Posted: 10/11/2026 Page Views: 228
Hashtags: #Music #1960s
The Yardbeards warn you about the record-club ads in your magazines.
Estimated reading time: 3 minute(s) (606 words)
The Yardbeards

When I joined the Columbia Record Club (later Columbia House), the deal was 13 albums free, after which you paid monthly until you quit—and nobody ever remembered to quit. I suppose some never paid at all, which may be why the offer later shrank to 12 for a dollar. At least, that's how I remember it. Plenty of people found the whole thing a trap, and not without reason. A flyer arrived every month with the "Selection of the Month" on the cover; if you didn't mail back the card saying no thanks, the record came anyway, along with the bill. People too lazy to read the flyer were surprised, month after month, by albums from bands they had never heard of and never would again.

Of course, I was weird. I loved discovering music I didn't know, and I came out of the club with more exciting new discoveries than regrets. But in today's world where everything is a subscription, from music and software to our freaking cars, man! —I understand the feeling; and the Yardbirds, with their songs of apocalyptic warning like "Shapes of Things," were the right band to sound the alarm. They never did. But they could have! This version is by "The Yardbeards".

Don't Send It In

By Paul S Cilwa · Performed by The Yardbeards

Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Found a postcard in the paper, hey, it looked so sweet,
Twelve records for a dollar, what a groovy treat!
But the fine print's getting smaller than a Carnaby Street skirt,
Sign your name in ink, my friend, and you will be hurt.

[Pre-Chorus]
They say "Choose your selections" like it's all up to you,
Then they bill you for the ones you never knew.

[Chorus]
Don't send it in, don't send it in,
That little card's a trap, it's a stamp-sized sin!
A record every month till the day you die,
Don't send it in, or you'll buy, buy, buy!

[Verse 2]
My friend Johnny mailed his card back in '63,
Now he owns the whole of Mantovani's discography.
He just wanted Meet the Beatles, now he's got the polka hits,
His hi-fi's crying "Mercy!", and his bank account's in bits.

[Pre-Chorus]
Mail's coming every month, like a bad-news Ed Sullivan show,
And the "Selection of the Month" is one you did not know!

[Chorus]
Don't send it in, don't send it in,
That little card's a trap, it's a stamp-sized sin!
A record every month till the day you die,
Don't send it in, or you'll buy, buy, buy!

[Bridge (guitar rave-up, tempo doubles)]
They'll hound you like Batman chased the Joker down,
Say "Holy back-catalog, you owe us a crown!"
Send it back "refused," they'll just send it twice,
You can't stop the Mondo Monthly, no matter the price!
Twist and shout, but you can't get out,
Dig it if you want to, but you'll still pay out!

[Verse 3]
Now I've got a whole wall of albums, I couldn't give them away,
Stacked up in the basement like the Hootenanny's last play.
So listen to this warning from a man who's been there,
If it comes with a stamp, just throw it in the air!

[Final Chorus (spoken, breaking down)]
Don't send it in... don't send it in...
The small print's a trap, it's a stamp-sized sin!
A record every month, and you can't say goodbye,
Don't send it in...
(laughing) ...or you'll buy, buy, buy!

[Outro (fade on wailing harmonica and fuzz guitar)]
Buy, buy, buy... Don't send it in...